Its not your fault that you're suffering

I had a revelation last night. I blame myself for being overweight. I blamed my inability to lose weight on my recurrent pain, endometriosis, and inability to exercise. You know who I blamed for that? Me again. I was weak. I just couldn't motivate myself to exercise regularly. I got sick too often. I felt a lot of pain which stopped me from being motivated or able to exercise.

I am deeply ashamed of being fat. I'm also ashamed I can't even make any changes to move in the right direction. In todays world, overweight people are stigmatized. If you're overweight its because you are lazy, and don't care about yourself enough to take care of your body. I'm realizing I subscribe to the same belief even if its just not true for me. That's just how it is. Medical conditions aren't factored in there. Its all about the image you put out to other people. I look in the mirror and see a lot of extra. And it pisses me off.

I am upset that it seems everyone else gets to eat what they want and hardly exercise and they don’t gain weight. I’m at the shitty end of the genetic fat train, and I have been since 2nd grade. I've always felt like I was less than anyone else. I didn't have the same right to happiness, fitness and family like they did. It wasn't easy for me to just run across the field. I struggled and jiggled and bounced and was so completely uncomfortable and ashamed in my own skin.

I was lacking something they had, and kids in my school were all the more happy to tell me so too.

Couple that with a home life in which you don't matter. Where controlling behavior and yet a complete lack of support is the norm.

Maybe it’s just incredibly hard for me to lose or maintain a healthy weight. Maybe all these factors put together make me highly susceptible to disease and pain. Maybe the more I wallow in that and allow myself to feel bad about it – the worse it gets.

I can do everything right for 2 weeks, but then, a week before my cycle hits I am unable to even keep up with the simplest of healthy habits, like drinking tea before bed.

And in come the lunch comfort eating. The snacking at bedtime because I just cant help myself. Because I'm trying to heal my hurt inside.

I still cant tell if I'm sabotaging myself or I still just don't care about myself enough to prioritize my needs. Maybe its both or none of these. Maybe this is just fucking hard. And I don't know what to do.

I don't know why I fight tooth and nail and struggle for what some people take for granted.

And don't forget, you can do it, accomplish your goals and be happy with your weight. Finally. But there is nothing to stop you from sliding backwards into the same pit you've been crawling out of your whole life.

Forced to start over - over, and over, and over again.

I frustrated and I'm pissed off. But directing that anger and frustration towards myself is throwing me further into this overweight hopelessness pit.

My horoscope told my yesterday to write down every single thing that is bothering me. That I wish I could change. And I did. It then said to cross off or go through the list and recognize all the things that I am unable to do anything about.

What an eye-opener that was. I cant help my endometriosis. I can't help a lot of my pain in my body. I can work on my weight, but its not necessarily going to fix everything for me. I can do the best I can, but piling all this stuff on top of me needing to lose weight makes me all the more desperate to do it. But me being desperate, disheartened, and unmotivated isn't helping me.

I know once I lose weight a lot of these issues may get better or stop. So I blame myself for not being able to make myself better. But, will it really heal everything? Probably not. But will I be proud of myself once I can finally move in the right direction? Absolutely. Making myself feel worse for my current situation is not helping anything.

Why am I adding to my own suffering?

What is being hard on myself really going to help?

I discovered how I really felt by holding a dialogue with my inner child. She was hurt - because I was ashamed of myself and the way I am. She was unmotivated, because I didn't listen to her. She resisted doing what needed to be done because it didn't give her the instant gratification she had become accustomed to. She wasn't able to take pride in the times she did do well.

No one acknowledged this little girl when she was actually a little girl. So now its my job to take care of her. And support her. And show her I love her. And I have faith once someone finally listens to this hurt little girl that she'll start acting more in accordance with what she really wants.

I'm still pissed off. But I'm listening to who really matters now.